Emotionally Intelligent Listening – The Power to Understand.
First in a three part series.
I only wish I could find an institute that teaches people how to listen. Business people need to listen at least as much as they need to talk. Too many people fail to realize that real communication goes in both directions. Lee Iacocca, Former CEO, Chrysler Corporation
Matt is one of the most impressive guys I’ve met. Bright beyond belief. Tall, fit, handsome – and works harder than anyone you’ve ever met. Matt works at one of the largest consulting houses in the world, and was a partner at a very early age. His wife is very successful, kind, and beautiful, as well. Together, they form a London power couple. In truth, it would be just as easy to resent him as it is to respect him – Matt has it all! He oozes confidence, without being cocky…
…thus it was a total surprise to me that he was stressed out one day a few years ago at one of our coaching sessions. He had a huge (80 plus slides!) PowerPoint ‘deck’ that he was preparing, for a presentation to a large multinational insurance company executive team.
“What kind of deal are you working on?”
“It’s not a deal yet. We know that they are about to transform their processes through an inside contact. This is just ‘hello’ – and the ‘how we qualify’ part…”
“What’s the deck for?”
“To tell them what we’ve been doing lately, show them our successes in similar situations, and give them confidence that we can help them as they go through their business process modernization/transformation…”
“Matt – these guys know your name – and the company’s. Your business card says all that they need to know about qualifications. You wouldn’t be having the meeting if they didn’t know your business’s credentials– would you?
What do you think that they will learn from your deck in that meeting that they don’t already know?
More importantly, how would you feel if you were in their shoes listening/watching your presentation? ”
“Well, we had a bad experience with them in the past. We didn’t do a great job – and it ended badly. It’s actually amazing that they will see us at all. So, I want to show them how we’ve been successful since then with other clients.”
Now we had the truth. The ‘showing and telling’ was not only the ‘norm’ in selling at that time at Matt’s firm (see how smart and successful we are), Matt was emphasizing it even more as a way to compensate for the past negative experiences. Matt had no plan to talk about the upset in the meeting. He did not want to bring it to front of mind…
…like it would not be there if he did not mention it. They would ‘qualify’ themselves through showing their deck, their experience, their superior knowledge! The elephant of past upsets would be in the room, and no one would discuss it. As I saw it. there was a high likelihood that no real rapport would be created…
…the deck was a way of talking, telling, showing, ‘knowing’. How would you feel?
The stress Matt was feeling was really fear (it almost always is!). And we usually create noise when we are afraid…
…internal noise. Verbal noise. Email noise. PowerPoint noise. Some of the corporate world’s worst kind…
I asked:
What would Matt and his team learn by talking and showing his deck?
How would that move the relationship forward?
What was really important to establish in the meeting?
And, how could Matt do so?
Building rapport and trust is essential. Powerful Listening is the key…
…Matt had to start by powerfully listening to himself. He knew what was important – to rebuild trust. He also knew that in the past, with this client, his firm had made some mistakes that had undermined that trust…
Haven’t we all done things to undermine trust?
By turning up his own EQ – and thinking what it would feel like in the room if the past were not addressed…
…Matt made being open and humble about the past ‘item one’ on the agenda. He was nervous to do so. And he knew that it would be a waste of time if he did not get it on the table. He wanted the meeting to be memorable and valuable – and to set the stage for discussing the real business issues facing the client.
Only the client knows those issues…
And for them to open up and share, they needed to feel good about Matt and his firm…
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou
In order to start hearing those issues, he needed to lay a foundation of trust.
Matt addressed his firm’s part in the past upset, without any reference to the client’s own behaviors. At ThirdLEVEL, we refer to this as the first step in EQ Listening: Powerful Vulnerability.
Powerful Vulnerability is the ability to own your mistakes, ask for help, put difficult issues on the table – without blame.
It is the key to teams working well, projects staying on time, budgets being met.
It is an EQ form of personal accountability – as we cannot possibly do all that we have agreed to do without help – and with perfectly right outcomes, timing and budgets…
…the challenging part OF Powerful Vulnerability is that it is counter-intuitive for most business people – and particularly men. We think NOT showing our challenges is stronger than asking for help – or owning our mistakes.
Rarely does that work.
Matt knew that his firm had messed up in the past. Only through connections had he arranged the meeting. When he realized that the key to moving forward was to own those issues, the meeting was transformed.
He went down to 15 slides – and even then decided not to use them, unless he felt that they would support the meeting.
Matt focused on three key questions – questions that would then require Matt and his team to listen. Listen at many levels.
What is the current situation?
What will the benefit of this change be to your business?
What concerns you about the project?
Because the information you need as to how you can help anyone lie within them, not you. And people want to tell you! They need to trust you to do so…
And, you need to listen. Powerfully listen…
…listening is the only way to learn what is really going on.
Matt listened to himself – trusted what he knew to be the barriers of entry to a trusting relationship. Then he set an atmosphere of openness and trust by owning the issues of the past - so he could be told more. He asked questions. He learned.
It was the start of a very powerful business relationship that has earned his firm many millions of pounds that likely would not have happened with an 80 slide deck….
Next blog, we will discuss EQ active listening…and how it can transform your relationships.
How can you employ Powerful Vulnerability?
When have you – and how did it work?
Authentic Intimacy
The Brave New World of Business Relationships
‘The glue that holds all relationships together – including the relationship between the leader and the led – is trust, and trust is based on integrity.’ Brian Tracy
The business world is changing and it’s a fascinating picture.
On the one hand, the downturn – and mismanagement – has sparked the closure of companies that we knew like Polaroid, Lehman Brothers, Blockbusters MCI, and many local institutions. We’ve also experienced the contraction – certainly in staff numbers – of many other companies. Unemployment numbers have been through the roof, as the tough and uncompromising actions needed to stop the metaphorical bleeding left many without employment.
The luckier folks kept their own job, and ended up with their neighbor’s job, too. Only with fewer resources to manage it…
…some call this nature at work. Survival of the fittest, the cleansing of the less than fit…
…yet we’ve evolved, haven’t we? Clearly, much of what we’ve done in the past needs examining. Tough and uncompromising can be good to get through the storms. We know that’s true…
…and people are seeking something more – a new way of managing – of relating and communicating that is more sustaining, and sustainable. We are seeing an emerging business thinking that puts more emphasis on ‘connection’ and ‘relationship’.
Negotiating in a new way. The end of win-lose. The end of transactional mind-sets.
What may have once been deemed ‘whacky’ or ‘soft’ is rapidly moving into the mainstream of business. Companies are embracing the need to ‘win friends and influence people’ - to develop relationships - rather than focusing on the transaction – or simply showing up with technical expertise and a PowerPoint deck.
Professor Stuart Diamond, President of Global Strategy Group, can be seen on YouTube talking about something that each of us does every day: negotiate. Instead of bottom-lines and BATNAs (best alternative to negotiated agreement), he emphasizes the need to know more of what is going on around you and the need to understand the pictures in other people’s heads as the way to build those relationships that will last and reap rewards in good times and bad. This is Applied Emotional Intelligence.
This approach has filtered into the sales and consulting environment – traditionally a very conservative arena. Maister, Green and Galford’s book, The Trusted Advisor, pulls no punches. According to the authors, those who have gone well beyond the product or service-based relationship with clients and become Trusted Advisors are the most successful amongst their peer groups in virtually all industries by building trust-based relationships with a deep personal dimension that cover a broad range of business issues.
Ask yourself: What would be the benefit to you and your company if your clients trusted you more?
Moving toward trust-based client relationships is not simply a matter of desire. According to the authors, the most common failure in building trust is lack of intimacy. This is a powerful statement, because most of us think of intimacy as something that we leave firmly at home. However the authors suggest that intimacy in business is about ‘emotional closeness concerning the issues at hand’, and has nothing to do with delving into each other’s private lives.
At ThirdLEVEL we have seen the power of intimacy in the building of business relationships at all levels and for different purposes. It is always characterized by:
More openness and honesty;
The possibility for a better quality of discussion, and thus
More powerful decisions – the true currency of leadership.
There is also almost always a lightness of touch that lets humor play a part.
In a nutshell, people do business with people they like – and trust.
Not every business relationship needs this kind of intimacy, but most relationships are benefited; and never more than in today’s world of sales and customer relationship management.
The challenge is – how do you go about building relationships that allow such intimacy to emerge?
“The ultimate compliment a customer can make to an organization about one of its marketing people is: “I’m not sure whether your sales rep works for me or for you.” Buck Rodgers
Mahan Khalsa, author of Let’s Get Real or Let’s Not Play, believes that ‘world-class inquiry precedes world-class advocacy’ and that we need to ‘move off the solution’. It sounds simple, but behind these two powerful statements is a whole new way of looking at ourselves and looking at our clients.
Though we might have expertise at our fingertips, it is no longer our job – nor in our interests – simply to convince or persuade.
Our product or service might be lauded globally, and it’s no longer our job to fit our product to our client’s problem in the swiftest possible way. Though logical and detached might once have been the holy grail of client relationships, it is does not serve our customers or our own best interests to be an expert talking head…
…instead, it is our job to listen deeply and understand our client and their perspective.
It is our job to enfold our product or service within the context of the relationship.
It is our job to take the emotional temperature of our clients and to apply the power of our emotional intelligence to create confidence, trust, connection – and yes indeed – intimacy.
In our next blog we will address EQ-based ThirdLEVEL listening skills.
How has making deeper connections worked for you?
How will you make those connections?
In Trust ,
Stephen & Margaret
 
The Legacy of a (golf) teacher…
‘My’ golf pro succumbed to cancer this last week. Dave was a pro’s pro. He was ultimately professional in how he went about his business. He ‘taught’ golf. His legacy was so much more…
…for Dave was truly a teacher. He was many people’s pro – and some never even played golf. Everyone Dave touched, learned. Listening to the people who spoke at his memorial, it was clear that I was not alone in realizing that Dave had taught me about life, about overcoming limitation, about myself.
Dave would pull up to my car in the golf cart, and that genuine smile of his would help me separate the stress of my day from the special ‘space’ of my lesson. Dave’s smile and energy would center me, prepare me to learn…
…with that contagious smile, his gentle way, the gleam in his eye – and being the big strong man’s man that he was. He was always positive, helpful, and kind. The worst of shots would get a positive, hopeful comment. And some constructive criticism, some instruction, something – golf-related or otherwise – that would make my game (of golf and life) better…
… like at our third or fourth lesson in a package of 12, Dave asked me if I really wanted to get good at golf. “Of course, that’s why I’m here!” I said. He took me back to look at the video monitor showing me set up over the ball from behind, and said, smiling: “Well, then you might want to start by losing that 40 pounds of flab hanging over your belt!”
And, I did.
I lost the 40 pounds, I got into shape, and I made a friend for life. Something clicked in the way he said it. Or the belief that I’d get good at golf, perhaps. Doesn’t matter, I am happier and healthier for it, for having had Dave in my life.
As my golf mates will attest, I am still a pretty bad golfer – though better than I was. And, I learned Dave’s lessons of life because he lived them, he believed in them, and he taught them just by being Dave. He will be sorely missed by many, and …
…his legacy of unconditional support, of joy in golf and life, of helping people to enjoy themselves more – these lessons that Dave embodied – now live in me and hundreds if not thousands of others whose paths he crossed on the course, on the range, at his church, being the devoted husband to his beloved wife, or simply being the man he was in the community.
Dave’s work was his passion. He loved golf, and he loved teaching even more. It got me to thinking…
- Why do we work?
- Why do we build businesses, companies, organizations?
- What do we want to leave behind?
- What is our purpose in life?
These are questions that philosophers and pundits have been debating for the millennia. And there are no right answers…
…as the saying goes: We work to live – or make a living. We do not live to work. In spite of all our conveniences like smart phones and Facebook to stay in touch, giving us access to information and each other as never before, we are busier and more stressed than ever. We work 24/7 it seems. Most of us ‘have to’ work. We need to eat! We work to provide for our families; to give ourselves better, easier lives. And, we spend more time at work than we do at any other single endeavor – at least in our ‘most productive years’ – to put food on the table and leave a future for ourselves and our heirs….
…and ‘work’ must be something more than a ‘way to provide’. We give too much of our lives to work for it to be just that. I believe that we work, we build, we learn and grow – because it allows us to ‘create’, to fulfill some known or unknown purpose – to leave our mark, our legacy.
Many people believe that creating is the driving force for us all. Some of us work to bring meaning to our lives – as it is where we express our talent, answer our calling. Work is where we make our contribution…
…and those of us who lead others, who are responsible for providing ‘work’ for others, certainly can see evidence that many people do not put their full energies into their work. They neither think about ‘creation’ nor see their jobs as their calling. At the worst, they ‘mail it in’, don’t apply themselves, and need constant supervision. We can believe in that as ‘the truth’, or we can choose to see it another way:
For a lucky few leaders like you, that is where your more lasting legacy begins. That is where you can make your contribution – helping others to find a way to create, to contribute, to feel good about themselves and the work that they do, like Dave did…
…Dave knew what many people strive to learn: Give people unconditional support and kindness (some say love), help them find their own way to do what they do well, give the jobs they do dignity and meaning – in even the most menial of tasks - and you will see them blossom. You will be rewarded by their growth and joy; your enterprise will be rewarded with the very profitable fruits of committed effort on your business’s behalf. Everyone wins!
This is leadership. This is Emotional Intelligence applied very powerfully. This is the true legacy for us all – making a difference in people’s lives in a positive way.
Thanks to many teachers in my life, Dave, of which you are the most recent, I strive to make this world a happier, more fulfilling place – as you did, as you showed me how to do, just by being you. I know there are many more who will perpetuate your legacy as well.
Rest in peace, my friend, Dave. I am eternally grateful for the lessons you taught – and even some of the golf!
We at ThirdLEVEL would love to hear your thoughts in the comment box provided below on people who have taught you about your life? Also, how are you bringing EQ into your life.
Leadership
‘Leadership is not the private reserve of a few charismatic men and women. It is a process ordinary people use when they are bringing forth the best from themselves and others. When the leader in everyone is liberated extraordinary things happen.’ J. M. Kouzes & B. Z. Posner, The Leadership Challenge
What makes a good leader? This is not just the 1998 title of one of the Harvard Business Review’s most requested articles in the last 50 years, it’s a question that evokes a variety of responses from the practical to the esoteric. It was the sort of ‘coming out’ party for Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in the workplace.
Some of us look at leadership from the point of view of competencies – skills you need to master, things you need to be able to do. Others come more from a set of personal characteristics and attributes – ‘charisma’ being one such concept often bandied about.
All the research says it’s no longer enough for leaders simply to be smart. Belbin’s research into teams indicated that teams composed of highly intellectual individuals actually did far worse than other types of teams because of the natural tendency for each person to want to prove the merits of their own theory – to show how smart they are. And, while charismatic leaders can inspire nations and peoples to reinvent themselves or corporations to change their fortunes, charisma alone is not the driver. It takes planning, action, accountability, and a team…
…a team of leaders who inspire trust.
Covey has a simple yet powerful definition of leadership that puts it within the reach of each and every one of us: ‘Leadership is getting results in a way that inspires trust.’
How you go about achieving results is as important as the results themselves, because when you establish trust, you increase your ability to get results the next time – and the next time thereafter.
It sounds simple, yet it is truly complex – particularly in today’s world of Tweeting, Facebooking, and 24/7 Smartphone attention deficit disorder. And with the global recession only recently and slowly receding, the cautious (fearful!) times makes building the trust with our people even more challenging – and more important.
Many businesses are under huge pressure to deliver results with fewer resources. What was formerly appreciated as ‘discretionary effort’ from employees is no longer the exception, but the new norm. The baton of pressure and stress, with its accompanying mantle of personal and social media Chinese Whispers (Telephone Game), is passed down from top teams, through middle management to those on the coalface. Messages get distorted and amplified, in often-uncontrolled ways.
Without open, trusting and confronting relationships up, down, and across the business, these issues fester…
…the ‘us and them’ divide, no longer dormant, lights up in neon. Left unaddressed, mistrust and anger become the true colors of your organization, driving its destiny…
‘Us’ feel unrecognized, unrewarded, kept in the dark and ‘done to’.
‘Them’ become the focus for resentment, criticism and blame.
Facing shareholder pressure and balance sheet nightmares, ‘they’ focus on keeping the ship afloat, delivering on promises – and keeping people employed.
‘Us’ become collateral damage in the war to survive. Neither ‘us’ nor ‘them’ understand or appreciate the pressures of each other’s position and the organization can swiftly become one of opposing factions.
Well managed organizations with enlightened leaders engender the time and nerve to pause and take stock of what is really happening on their teams, in their relationships, and in their communications. Leadership at all levels set behavioral goals, confront actual behavior, and hold themselves and each other accountable to those behavioral ideals. They’re not just signing up to nice words. They are present and observant, seeing and addressing any erosion of trust and goodwill that their behaviors may be inadvertently creating.
‘No institution can possibly survive if it needs geniuses or supermen to manage it. It must be organized in such a way as to be able to get along under a leadership composed of average human beings.’ Peter Drucker
So precisely how do you get results in a way that inspires trust?
• Entertaining the very notion that mutual trust is possible and essential, even in today’s climate.
• Deciding that trust is not about everyone ‘making nice’ with each other. Trust is about getting the real truth on the table, so that your leaders know the truth before it is too late.
• Collectively identifying and understanding what causes trust to be built and broken – and assessing how you are all doing at those actions.
• Looking at your own part in building and breaking trust alongside your fellow team members who are doing exactly the same – looking at their parts.
• Sharing that knowledge with each other in an open and vulnerable dialogue.
• Making and holding yourselves accountable for the trust building actions.
• Making trust a core value in your organization at all levels
It takes guts to do this. It asks that we use more than our intellect. It effectively requires that we use emotional intelligence to become more aware of ourselves and those around us. It enables us to read and respond to the signals of organizational life that the mind misses, particularly when we are under pressure.
Adele. B. Lynn, in her book entitled In Search of Honour – Lessons From Workers on How to Build Trust found that employees repeatedly defined four elements characteristic of trust:
• a sense of importance directed both at the work and the people;
• genuine caring about people and treating them as human equals;
• expressed sincere gratitude; and
• fair and equal contributions.
Is this beyond our reach? No, of course it isn’t. What it asks of us is that we bring both our hearts and our minds to our business now, more than ever before.
If we are to lead in a manner that is sustainable from a human and economic perspective, we must build trust in ourselves, each other, and our organizations.
How are you doing at building trust?
Companies are only as good as their people. From a company of one, to many thousands of employees, we are only as good as our people. You can have the best strategy, finance, processes, and a vast potential market: these are all hugely important to your business success. And, without great people passionately working well together, you are likely to struggle, if not fail.
Maximizing your most precious resource, your people, is one of the most important aspects of any business.
Most of your real business happens metaphorically at the coalface – in the trenches – on the front line. Managing and motivating your human resources right through your organization is the greatest challenge and most rewarding aspect of running any endeavor.
This is the first in our series on managing with emotional intelligence. There are some lively debates as to what a manager actually does – and what a leader does.
‘Today’s organizations need effective leaders at every level and in every location’. Stephen Drotter Co-Author of The Leadership Pipeline
A story:
Jim is a new manager. He was promoted because he works really hard, is very bright, and did a great job in his role as a business analyst.
Now, at 29, he has to manage not only his own tasks, but has all the complexities of managing other people. Some are his age, some are younger; and most worryingly to him, some are quite a bit older than he is.
Jim loves his job. He thrives looking at the numbers, crunching them, debating some of the results with his friends. He would never leave until the task was done, often taking the work home with him…
…and that was OK. His wife is also really bright, career-driven, and she understands that this is their time without kids (yet), youthful energy, and great jobs. They love the buzz they both bring home – and the dreams of the success to come.
Many of the folks at work are his buddies. They go out from time to time, a small group of them hang out quite a bit. He has no problem with the others, (the older ‘guys’ and the ‘youngsters’), it’s just he really connects with his friends. They’ve worked together for years…
Now, Jim has a whole new set of concerns, tasks, meetings, stakeholders, reports to deal with, and he has to ‘manage’ the individuals and lead his team. He still has his analyst tasks, as well. Jim is thoughtful, smart, resourceful, ambitious…
…and so totally unprepared for his new role! What is he to do?
How can he no longer be one of ‘us’ and how is it possible he has become one of ‘them’: the people who sometimes just don’t seem to get it?!
Jim is committed to being different…
…to be a better manager. To be a real leader.
He knows that he does not know. He knows he needs help. He is learning just how much he does not know about managing when…
…Jim’s good buddy John just does not get his work done on time. No notice, no warnings, just a deadline missed. And when Jim asks about it, John barks back at him that it was another management fiasco, expecting way too much, ruining his personal life, and stressing him out, and he blurts out,
“And now Jim, you are one of THEM?”
Jim wants to apologize. He wants to roll up his sleeves and help John get it done. He wants to keep his friendship, more than anything.
What should Jim do?
Should he help? How should he hold John accountable?
What does he do about his friendship?
Please leave your comments and answers, below!
Have a great week, working passionately well, together!
Andy is a really successful man. He has a loving family, with two wonderful children, each very successful in their lives.
He and his wife are happily married for 30 years, and live in a beautiful home. They have a great friendship, and many close friends, and a wide circle of influence in the community.
He lives in one of the nicer communities here in South Florida, in a warm and comfortable home. He supports his faith, his community and is active in participating in philanthropy.
Andy got all this coming through the ranks in a really competitive business. He ‘paid his dues’. He was mentored in the old ways of carrot and stick, taking no excuses, driving himself and the people around him very hard. His success led to some arrogance. He runs his own region, and no one really ever tells him what to do. He has a good heart, and an ‘open door’ policy, he’s a good guy in his own mind…
…and he was losing important people left and right. He also hit the big 5-0. His younger son is getting ready to off to college. He had a strong sense that something needed to change.
Andy decided to look at himself, and to re-invent who and how he is in the world. His first step was to look in the mirror, and admit he had become a little round around the middle, a little mean and arrogant, and that his open door did not mean people came through it. In fact, the only open door they were using was to take their business to his competitors.
He asked us to help.
After setting the goals for his coaching program, we put together an EQ 360 for him to see how he was perceived, and perception IS everything, when it comes to working with people. The picture was not pretty. While his peers love and respect him, they don’t actually work with him on a daily basis. His bosses were remote, and were hearing mostly ‘presentations’ in NY, not seeing the situation on the ground. They saw him favorably…
…unlike the people he manages and leads. They were most forthcoming with his ‘opportunities’ for growth. Andy has real courage…
…he took the information, and has asked for help. He has sat with each of his reports, and worked through the history of issues, the perceived slights, and learned what it is he does that has upset people. It was not easy, but oh, so worthwhile. The new, kinder, gentler Andy is getting real information on what is going on in his business for the first time. Not more numbers, more information about the attitudes, atmosphere, behaviors, and communications that have driven the numbers, and driven some key people out the door. Andy has responded powerfully.
He asks himself how he wants to be seen, heard, and understood now, before he lets fly with the caustic or sarcastic comment. Now they aren’t sarcastic or caustic, they are considered, thoughtful and delivered with the intention of solving the problem, not making people feel bad – or for him to feel powerful…
…and that is the irony: the more he behaves using more EQ, the more positively responsive his people are to him – the more powerful he actually is in their eyes.
In fact, just the other day, he had a conversation with another key salesperson who was threatening to leave. The issues presented were minor. The numbers inconsequential. The threat annoying. Instead of battle and confrontation, Andy chose empathy, probing, and problem-solving. Using his EQ, he got under the symptoms, and to the core issues. They had a successful meeting, problems were solved, and the salesman agreed that he really wanted to stay. He told Andy it was the best meeting they had had in the 10 years of working together.
Andy’s people are slowly beginning to trust that the old, volatile and arrogant Andy is truly going away. The atmosphere in the office is better, as is the business performance. Andy still manages numbers. He still is a very robust businessman. Now, he has a deeper sense of calm in himself, and many happier employees. It will be fun to see the longer term progress!
What relationships would you like to improve?
What could you do with more EQ to make them better?
How can you be more open, listen more, and develop more understanding and rapport?
And what would that do for you and your business?
Please, take a moment and leave us your thoughts or comments below. We would love to know how you deal with these questions in your life and business and what works best for you.
Warmly, Stephen, Margaret, and the ThirdLEVEL team.
Robert is a great guy.
Works harder than anyone I know.
Really a nice man, soft spoken and kind.
Takes responsibility for his job in amazing ways, and always helpful to others.
If they cannot get it done, he will.
He’s a wonderful perfect peer…and a really dedicated manager.
Always makes sure the job is done…
…and is always stressed.
Often forgetful.
Loses stuff in all the mountains of work he takes on.
And, when Robert is stressed, he can get grumpy. His fuse gets short. 
Robert had a real problem the other day.
Someone made a bad error.
It was unacceptable.
He was concerned that security had been breached.
He wanted to understand what had happened and to be sure all steps to fix the issue were taken.
He also wanted to prevent it from happening again.
Problem is, he was so frustrated, so anxious, (highly emotional) that he spoke in an emotionally very unintelligent way to the receptionist who reported the issue.
She felt blamed, attacked, even reamed out.
He thought he was ‘just investigating the issue’.
Needless to say, it did not go well.
She got upset.
He feels completely misunderstood, and even more frustrated.
Robert came to us asking for help.
He knows better. He is aware he needs to delegate more. He needs processes and systems to help things smooth out.
These are all important steps. He’s taking those steps. But, where does he start with his own behavior, his own ways to work smarter, and a lot less hard?
We’re working to help Robert see steps he can take to lower his stress – all of which have Applied EQ parts to them,
1. Ask for help when he needs it.
2. Allow others to do more, so that they can grow into their jobs, and become more trusted.
3. Take more time for himself elsewhere in his life (more fun, more exercise, more rest).
4. Recognize when his buttons are about to go off, and remove himself from the situation before losing control.
5. Ask himself how he can ‘see’ the situation differently.
And, in no way to lower his standards of performance.
Indeed, they are part of what makes him so great as a team member.
He cares, he delivers, he works hard.
In no time at all he is practicing Applied EQ, getting feedback from his colleagues, looking at the habits that drive his stress, being more open to other ways of getting better performance…
Do you see yourself in Robert? (If so, please leave a comment below)
Do you see one of your team mates or colleagues in Robert? (If so, please leave a comment below)
Understanding that emotions are the drivers of most behavior is critical in today’s world. Taking the steps necessary to practice and increase your EQ is something we can help you with. Give us a call if you’d like to talk more.
Emotional Intelligence – Building the currency of trust in business
Knowing me knowing you, aha – Abba
‘There is nothing we can do.’ So went the lines of the Abba song. Cheesy? Genius? That is according to your taste, your perspective…
Here are some further lines to the song we ‘hear’ all the time in our work:
‘There is nothing we can do,
cuz we need to be right – or blue!
We won’t look at our part in the messy pile.
‘It’s not my fault’ – we say with pride.
‘They keep doing what they do and don’t try’.
Same old same old. They ain’t changin’, nor am I.’
Sound familiar? We all want to be right – often even if it makes us unhappy, or perpetuates a situation. “THEY” need to change, not I!
Actually, if we are involved in a situation, there is almost always plenty we and they could have done to make it better. We just choose not to.
Abba did get it right with ‘Knowing me, knowing you’. If you boil it down, this is the essence of emotional intelligence (EQ). Today, EQ is increasingly recognized as indispensable to relationship building everywhere in our lives. Modern business and organizational leadership and stewardship are increasingly aware of EQ as a core competency for sustainable success in our diverse and fast-paced world.
Most of us growing up in the western world develop a shaky relationship with our emotions. We’re praised for our intellect, humor, or sports capability; and judged on our academic achievements and exam results. Our emotions, on the other hand, were (and mostly still are) aspects of our growth that we simply did not learn how to identify, manage or use to our advantage. There’s no spreadsheet we can put emotions in to make them add up. No formula that renders a predictable result. Emotion can be joyous, for sure – and that is usually acceptable. Other emotions like anger, sadness, and shame can often be embarrassing, uncomfortable and confusing. No wonder, then, that some of us prefer to tune out our emotions or shut them down, occasionally being caught by surprise when we lose emotional control over a minor issue. Others live with their emotions closer to the surface, buffeted and tossed by them and unleashing their emotions haphazardly – and often painfully – on the world.
Here’s the irony. The challenge in business is that it is the emotional side of us that develops loyalty and commitment, that builds trust, that leads, inspires and creates connection. Emotional connection is what engages and is ‘engaged with’. EQ is a crucial factor (often THE crucial factor!) in individual and business performance. Yet we are told to simply leave emotion to chance, at home, or to sweep our feelings under the table.
Emotional denial might work when we first start off in business. After all, it is a time when we are focused on ourselves, on building and proving our technical competence and showing what we can do – and how we can blend in.
As we move upward in an organization, things change. It becomes our responsibility to lead and manage people and teams, who may themselves be managing people and teams. As we operate in this space, it is not our own delivery of tasks that is measured or important. We increasingly need to deliver performance and results through inspiring and engaging our people and teams. Our ability to relate and communicate with others, to get the best from them, to motivate in times of uncertainty and change, to influence, to facilitate collaboration, to master ourselves under the glare and pressure, these are what become increasingly important to our success. These deliver engagement – and business performance results. This means applying our EQ to understand and manage the emotional side of ourselves and others.
In my 35 years in business I have always trusted my emotions. I’ve always believed that by touching emotion you get the best people to work with you, the best clients to inspire you, the best partners and most devoted customers – Kevin Roberts, CEO Saatchi & Saatchi
When emotional intelligence and engagement don’t occur, the consequences are visible – and toxic. At ThirdLEVEL, we often see fracture and strain within senior teams, visible patterns of poor communication and interaction creating an environment where people do not trust each other, where perceptions have been formed about the negative motives and behaviors of others. Worse, those perceptions are treated as the truth…
…there is resistance and evasion, and while conversations about task, progress and actions are held, the important conversations, those that request and offer support, those that seek new and better ways, those that enable innovation under pressure, those that get the issues on the table and chart a joint way forward, those conversations are not held.
When was the last time you had a conversation about how you felt at work?
About how others were feeling?
About the effect of someone’s behavior on the morale of the team?
We watched as one company tried to bring together heads of countries to form a joined-up approach. They saw their dream undermined by the old guard, who didn’t want change, and shot in the foot by the new guard, who relied on statistics and spreadsheets to make their case. It was not working. It took months of EQ, facilitated interactions, and trust building through sharing much more openly and vulnerably, to turn the team from literally worst to first in performance.
Whether we like it or not, feelings and moods affect our attitudes, behaviors and interactions with others around us virtually all our waking hours. They impact our workplace behaviors, performance and results. Little wonder that Daniel Goleman’s book on Emotional Intelligence sold millions when it came out in the ‘90s – and is the best selling social science book in history. Little wonder that companies are realizing that Emotional Intelligence – understanding it, enhancing it and applying it – is key to building trust, the hard currency of business.
Click here to download our newest white paper on engagement, its profound impact on business performance, and the role of EQ in enhancing engagement in your business.
How do you feel about using your emotional intelligence at work? How much do you trust your feelings when making a decision?
How might you do things differently if you did? If you have, how did it affect your outcomes?
Motivation.
How do we get really going in the morning, at work, at any task?
Mark Twain said, “The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.”
When you and your team get up and go to work with ‘have to’, ‘should’, ‘it’s my job’, how likely is it that you will give your best when you get there? When your staff – who are wired just like you, after all (okay, most of them…) - show up for their jobs, what state of mind do you want them in? If customer service is important to your business, (and trust us, it is, no matter what your business is, and regardless of whether that ‘customer’ is internal or external), then how happy do you want your people to be? How focused? How motivated?
Clearly we want to be as happy, focused and motivated as we ourselves want to be. As is totally, if possible.
Here’s the funny part. All the science of human motivation, business studies from London School of Economics and The Federal Reserve, and virtually every other study on what makes us happy, focused and motivated in economics, human behavior and the social sciences,tell us that we need three things to be real:
Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose. I always add Respect. Up front. People want to feel respected, no matter what they do. So, we come away with the acronym RAMP to our success.
Our next few blogs will be about these 4 concepts. Today’s message is quick and simple.
Think about how you can make your job more like your avocation, your hobby, your passion. We know it cannot always be like that. And what would 10% more fun and passion bring in business results to you?
Let us know your thoughts on how you and your team can have more fun and passion.
Our best!
Stephen and Margaret
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html
Trust – Are you paying the tax…
…or reaping the dividend?
Mistrust doubles the cost of doing business – Professor John Whitney, Columbia Business School
Is your company paying a trust tax? Many companies and organizations are paying dearly, without even realizing it. The trust tax is Stephen M.R. Covey’s concept of the financial toll on companies where trust is low both internally and with customers. In the external stakeholder tax bracket, it shows up as militant stakeholders, with an intense political atmosphere and divided camps and parties. In the internal tax brackets, we see misalighned systems, silos and unecessary hierarchy.
The trust dividend, on the other hand, is where trust is a visible asset in the workplace, evidenced through positive partnering with stakeholders and employees, strong innovation and creativity, helpful systems and structures, and a generally upbeat positive atmosphere.
Where does trust start? It can’t simply be in grand sweeping statements, or every business on the planet would have mined its potential. It is not a management tool – or just a nice concept. Trust has to be accessible, manageable, tangible and meaningful, something we can all get our arms around. After working with many companies, teams and individuals, we at ThirdLEVEL have come to understand exactly what that something is:
Trust is Us. Trust is You and Me.
It starts with our own ability to extend trust, build it, and restore it, with ourselves, our teams, our stake-holders and clients. Trust is one of the ‘hardest’ skills of all in its mastery and impact in business, family and life. In fact, all economic systems, all business is based in trust. Money exchange is a basic trust that there is an agreed upon value that is transferred…
..even our currency is emblazoned with and based upon Trust. “In God We Trust…
…in business, ThirdLEVEL defines trust as ‘a firm belief in the ethics, integrity, reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something’. Stephen M.R. Covey views trust as a function of character and competence, including your motive and intent with people, and your skills, capabilities and track record.
Patrick Lencioni, who looks at trust in the context of building high-performing teams, states that ‘trust is the confidence among team members that their peers’ intentions are good’. This enables team members to be open and honest with each other about their vulnerabilities, including areas where they need help feel overwhelmed, have made a mistake or cannot keep previous agreements. We ask, would you rather know what the truth of the situation is, or have people try to work it out on their own…
…which would you trust more?
Whatever definition you prefer, trust is the unseen but deeply felt (or deeply missed) energy that flows through the veins of an organization, keeping it healthy, ensuring that head, heart, body and limbs work together effectively, even optimally. Trust makes organizations faster, more energetic and lighter on their feet. Staff feel it, and convey it. The customer literally chooses to buy based on trust!
‘You cannot prevent a major catastrophe but you can build an organization that is battle-ready, that has high morale, that knows how to behave, that trusts itself and where people trust one another. In military training the first rule is to instill soldiers with trust in their officers, because without trust, they won’t fight.’ – Peter Drucker
Can trust rank alongside strategy, product or vision as a driver in business performance and results? Absolutely! – and it must.
Your people will hold back and perform minimally, when they do not trust your organization, what it stands for, how it conducts itself, and/or the focus and integrity of its policies, procedures and processes.
Your staff will not speak up, make suggestions, go the extra mile or tell you when things are not right when they do not trust your leaders or managers.
You are paying the trust tax when: Your culture does not foster the building of bonds that span silos, having the conversations that break the log-jam, inspiring each other towards the prize because your people do not trust each other.They won’t tell you the truth, because they don’t trust your response. In a nutshell, they will not feel the sense of collective pride that builds confidence and ignites performance. The speedometer, which says that you can reach 150 mph, will jog along at 75 where it’s always been. Maybe you recognize that situation. YOU pay the trust tax…
This is not to suggest that you can and should trust everybody all of the time. Quite the contrary. Trust needs to be built and reinforced regularly. Keep your word. Deliver your goals. Ask for help. Admit when you’re in trouble on a promise…
…and without trust, you shatter any hope of inspired performance. Every workplace needs trust, and every leader at every level needs to know how to build it and keep it.
People can’t ‘see’ trust. What they see is our behavior. What they experience is how we conduct ourselves, whether delivering high praise or a tough message. What they feel is whether we will operate with a mind-set of integrity and honor in the good times and the bad. Daunting though this might seem, it puts each of us in the driving seat, requiring us to raise our self-awareness and awareness of others and to separate good practice from bad. It calls upon us to reflect on, enhance and apply our Emotional Intelligence, which recognises that we are both rational and emotional beings and underpins the building of trust and its impact on results.
We know that strategy and tactics, processes and procedures, sales and marketing, are all important. We will continue to engage you in conversation about trust, applied emotional intelligence, motivation, and performance. We believe that they are the keys to successful, sustainable lives, businesses and careers. We know that you care about delivering a great service and/or product, or you would not be reading this blog.
We appreciate that you give your time to our thoughts. We are glad that we are building some trust with you!
Please click on leave a reply and give us your thoughts on these three questions below.
So, what kind of trust is there on your team?
What type of trust do you have in the organization you work for?
And, how can you build trust where you work?
In trust,
Stephen and Margaret
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